I put my head in my hands, facing the obvious reality of the morning: I’d done it again. I had sent my children off to school, to the big unknown, without words of encouragement or even one tiny utterance of blessing. I’d been critical and harsh. Unmerciful. Instead of building them up like a good mom would do, I’d torn them down with my biting words and mom’s-about-to-lose-it actions.
My internal frustration tank was full and it was only 7 o’clock in the morning. All I had been doing for the last half hour was playing the role of referee, separating the players as the intensity of the sibling squabbles heightened. My ability to laugh at the minor morning bickering and petty complaints had long disappeared, leaving behind one fuming mama.
Failure loomed large like a dark nimbus cloud over my head. I couldn’t even think about getting ready for work. With tears streaming down my face, I made my way into the living room and sank into the comforts of our well-loved couch.
“God, I think I’m ruining my children. I’m the last person on the face of the earth who should write and podcast about motherhood. Please infuse life into my heart, my soul, my very bones, so that I can rebuild the relationship with my kids and speak life and Your message of hope into their hearts. Forgive me, Lord. Help me start again. Thank You for Your grace which You unfailingly extend toward me. Toward us.”
I remained burrowed, curled up into a ball, feeling small in the presence of a big God. Through gulps and whispers I continued to empty out all my fears, all my inadequacies, all my longings. And as my tearful prayer ended, a peace which surpasses all understanding covered and soothed my hurting heart. Where I was disturbed and distressed before, now calm assurances quieted my soul: “Don’t despair, daughter. Don’t give up. You are chosen. You are holy. You are loved. You already have what it takes to care for these children. Just lean into Me. Trust Me. It’s going to be okay.”
Maybe I hadn’t totally messed up my kids with my morning meltdown. In fact, God was going to give me another chance in just a few hours when I picked them up from school to start anew. Another chance to love them with a Christ-like love, infusing them with His hope, training them up in the way they should go, and equipping them with His unshakable grace and truth.
Matt Maher’s song “Lord I Need You” rang in my ears as I relaunched my day. It’s been my mothering anthem for quite some time, but today I allowed my mind to marinate in its message of surrender, letting it echo down to the aching chambers of my heart. And as I absorbed the truth behind the words, I thanked God for do-overs and mercies that arrive fresh on my doorstep every morning.
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Where are you in your mothering journey today? Does your heart need a little encouragement? If so, read Psalm 139:1-5 and 1 John 4:7-19. Soak up the love of the Father. Shower yourself in His goodness. And as you rejoice in His truths, may you return to the journey revitalized and ready for whatever He may have for you and your family today.
May we love, and LOVE WELL, because of His great love for us.